Trying for a second baby

[ohbilatmicromom]

I agree, Tanya,whose info you can get from this website answered all of my questions. Since they do not have a genetic test yet to test for micro there is now way to predict your exact chances. However, if this is not something that runs in your family, the chance of it happening again I have been told are very small. If you have no family history of this chances are something happened in the first month of fertilization to make the eye stop developing. It was NOTHING you did, but something either in the genetic makeup or envronment. That is what has doctors so stumped I believe when it comes to this question. They just don't know why it happens if not in the family history.

So, basically the choice is yours, but if this is not in your family history, the likelyhood it will occur again in any other children you have is small. I too face that same dilemma our son has bilateral micro and was born with cataracts. They removed the cataracts at 3 mos, he got his first set of clear conformers at 5 mos and with the help of very thick glasses he has some low vision!!! We are very pleased. He is 2 years old now and can read letters up close. He is legally blind and cannot see clearly far away, but if its right in his face he can see it!

Good luck!
Michelle

[Leatta]

Our daughter has bilateral anophthalmia and we adopted her at age 3 1/2. However, I know there will come a time that she may want to have children of her own and I think our family would be most blessed....no matter if our grandchildren had an eye condition or not. We have seen the geneticist and can tell her what we know and she can do her own research. However, the geneticists cannot make guarantees either way, no matter what the karyotype says. ???

I think us moms and dads are quick to "blame" ourselves and forget that this is all our kids have ever known. Many times kids with congenital disabilities have only a minor feeling of loss or grief and it is typically tied to milestones like driving not to the function of sight itself.

My only warning is that 2nd children are always significantly more work and dramatcally different than thier older sibling. (In fact, if they came first, there might not be any second children.) ;D

[ohbilatmicromom]

Leatta I think you are right about all kids are different.

As far as us parents and trying for a second biological child when we don't know why this happened is a tough decision to make, not because we don't love our kids, but we have seen them struggle their entire lives, and as a parent that is a difficult thing to watch. Yes, this is all they know when they are little, but as they get older toddler, preschool, grade school and into adolesence etc... they will definitely notice the differences in lifestyle from their peers. I am NOT saying this is a bad thing at all, again, just difficult for us parents to again watch.

These kids DEFINITELY adjust to their disability/difference whatever you want to call it. I have to say though as a parent, I am getting alittle tired of being an educator on my son's condition. Can't we just go to a birthday party or grocery store without someone asking me how he is doing, what is going to happen next? UGH, that is the frustrating part to me. My child is just like everyone else's he just sees different than we do, so treat him as you would others.

As far as DX in utero you can have 3D ultrasounds done to see the eye orbit to give you a "heads up" if the eyes have develeped normally or not.

Good luck we have the same decision to make and I think we are going to try and give Jalen a brother or sister. He wants a sister, but unless we adopt we can't guarantee him one!
Michelle

[Leatta]

I think we see this from different prespectives. I am a parent, but I myself have a significant disability from birth. (I'm missing three limbs.) My parents chose to adopt my sibling and this sent a message to me that my disability was too burdensome to risk again.

When I had two perfectly typical children by birth my parents were relieved, but my husband and I just did not see the "risk". It is all rather typical to us so we expanded our horizons when we adopted Hannah. I am well prepared for if she decides that she too wants biological children. It doesn't mean I won't worry, especially with her blindness & hearing loss and the work of being a mother, but I know many blind mothers and all are very capable.

As far as the crowds and public comments, it can be crushing! However, adult indivduals who make these comments and have questions have such a "fragile view of the world". They look to us to insure that nothing will happen to them because they cannot handle the reality that differences in physical, cognitive and emotional abilities are a part of life. I must say I generally don't dignify adult questions with answers concerning myself or my daughter. (Children are different. They just want to know everything....not just about disability and if they accept it when they are young, they will not be asking questions in the grocery store later!)

I'm glad you are considering a sibling. No matter if by adoption or birth second children give parents a new level of stress & blessing!

[ohbilatmicromom]

I am sorry that you took it the way you did. I ABSOLUTELY do NOT see my son as a burden at all!!! He is my pride and joy! *I was trying to convey, I understand this is "normal" to him and he has adjusted to his world just fine. It just pains me to see him get put under anesthesia every 6 mos, go through the agony of conformers ( he still hates when we take them in an out) and now his newly diagnosed glaucoma we have 3 different eye drops essentially to put in 6 times in one day. He also had rt lambdoid craniosynostosis with mild chiari malformation and a cranial vault remolding surgery to fix the cranio. That is a pretty major surgery cutting into the skull and removing part of it then reattaching it. I guess I was not just speaking of his vision issues, but that also. He has been in the hospital for procedures in his 4 years than most in a lifetime. I AM NOT BURDENED AT ALL, I just don't like to see him in pain or upset when it comes to these issues. We treat him as we would any other child. He is not sheltered and I love when kids ask questions. Its just the adult ignorance that bugs me.

I think that is wonderful you have such a wonderful outlook on life, your parents must have given you the basis for this, which is awesome! There are alot of people in this world with the "poor me" attitude and I DON"T want my son to feel this way and I DEFINITELY don't want people to treat him that way. In the scheme of things, vision loss is no big deal!! I think any child we have either by adoption or biological is a gift from God no matter what he/she is like.

I hope you can better understand what I was trying to convey. My son is absolutely NOT a burden at all!!!

He is a complete joy, well at least most of the time. haha.

Michelle

[Leatta]

I did not think you were refering to "your burden" and I don't think my parents meant their decision to be interpreted this way either. However, as a child I could only see that as an option because despite frequent lengthy hospital stays and surgeries, I really did not think I was "suffering" or "enduring anything unusual. It all seemed just typical.....granted, over 2 dozen major surgeries and 105 hospital stays before age 18 is extreme...but it did not seem like it to me.

I also had an uncle decided he and his wife would not have children at all rather than risk my condition being inherited. (Since this is a public forum, I won't go into what a wise decision this was for them, but for other reasons....not exactly parental material.)

My story is one of caution....in being aware of the child's perspective. Hannah once heard a lady ask me what was wrong with her eyes and immediately thought something "new" was going on! She started feeling her eyes for any sign of a problem and when she could not find anything, proclaimed loudly, "Nothin's wrong!" Her answer was so much better than mine!

I so hate to see families and individuals make choices based on anxiety (either for themselves, their child or their finances). Anxiety is such poor counsel and for those who have a belief in God, we already know God does not given anyone, including our children, more than can be handled.

We sought to add a sibling with a disability to our family because both my husband and I believe that children raised with a sibling or siblings with a disability will become better equipped adults. We think they become:
+more flexible,
+have better problem solving abilities,
+understand abilities,
+tend to participate in humanitaian efforts,
+are community minded,
+include others from diverse background,
+are not fearful of others/open minded,
+and develop deeper, more compasionate friendships. Just to name a few.